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Thursday, February 9, 2012

who am i now?

Who am I now? Who was I supposed to be? Would I even recognize myself anymore?

Instead I am stuck.

Stuck, frustrated in this new mind, this new psyche…trying to get comfortable. Like 
trying to fit into an old pair of pants I’ve outgrown, or someone else’s shoes.

Trying to understand my place in the world, the place I am not sure I am supposed to be in. I honestly didn’t prepare to be in it. I claimed it, a distant hope, but what do I do now that I’m still here?

Angry, out of place, irritable.

Lost, lonely, confused.

Grateful, yes, but sometimes not as much as I should be. And then the guilt comes like a punch to the stomach, a slap to the back of the head, a hard shake to the shoulders. “Wake up!” “Look around!” “Be grateful and quit complaining!” And the worst, “How dare you?” All of these in my own voice, my own finger pointing at me, a disapproving look, frowning, and ashamed.

No wonder I can’t sleep.

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