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Tuesday, August 25, 2009

A gorgeous day and plenty of time to think.

One thing riding a bike for a long time gives you, especially if you're riding alone, is plenty of time to think. I just got back from a 34 mile ride. It was a new route that a friend shared with me and it passed by lakes, farmland, and even a quarry. (Not nearly as pretty, but interesting!) Anyway, I spent a lot of time thinking. Especially since I wasn't exactly feeling up to a long ride. I was having some aches and pains, and I find the best thing for me to do in that situation is to try and let my mind wander. This time, I started to think about the big ride coming up. It dawned on me that all along, ever since I chose to do this ride, I have said that it was for me. So that I could feel like I had conquered something. I don't know that I can ever go so far as to be confident enough to say I've conquered cancer, but at least I can conquer a bike ride. But, on this ride I was feeling a lot more weight on me than I usually do. Mental weight. I realized that in truth, this ride isn't just for me. It is also for the me that used to be. The me before cancer. I could almost feel myself reaching back into the past to grab that young, idealistic, hurting person and pull her close. To show her where we've come and that the future is unpredictable, that everything can, in its own way, be alright. I also have my kids, both now and then, with me on that bike. And my husband. Our whole life story, with all the twists and turns and surprises that have popped up along the way. That's a lot of people on one small bike, but they do help keep me pedaling. And like I said, I've got plenty of time to think.

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